| (no subject) |
[May. 30th, 2005|01:22 am] |
i don't really write here anymore- not that i have nothing to say, i don't know...i think i've outgrown this. not offense to everyone that still writes, i love reading all of your journals. but this just isina't right for me anymore. i've had an online journal since 9th grade, from deadjournal to livejournal. kinda like my life during HS. but now, this chapter of my life will be closed in less than two weeks. so now it's time to close the dwindling book that's been my journal/s. i still will log in to read and comment on all yours. i love you all, it's been great. i should print out my whole journal from dead+live journal so i have it around...
anyway, that's all folks. good night and blessed be.
.Remy. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2005|12:36 am] |
i have nothing better to do.
Have you ever...
[x]Snuck out of the house
[x]Played spin the bottle
[x]Toliet-papered someones house/property
[x]Smashed mailboxes with baseball bat
[x]Tutored someone
[x]Called the cops
[x]Eaten Filet Mignon
[x]Had a crush on a teacher or a coach...
[x]Played poker
[x]Liked someone but never told them
[x]Sat on your (sun)glasses and broke them
[x]Went camping in your backyard
[x]Got an autograph
[x]Had a crush on your brother's friend
[x]Walked in the rain with no umbrella
[x]Been in a talent show
[x]Started laughing for no reason at a bad time
[x]Worn something your mom didn't approve of (story of my life lol)
[x]Been to a nude beach
[x]Cursed in a church/CCD
[x]Hacked into someones computer (well, with the help of someone)
[x]Been called a slut for kissing someone
[x]Burnt yourself with a curling iron
[ ]Wanted to be a police officer
[x]Dumped someone
[x]Been hit on by someone too old
[x]Bought lottery tickets
[x]Made out in a car
[x]Looked through your brothers/sisters stuff
[x]Said something bad about someone who was near you
[x]Cried during a movie
[x]Wanted something you couldn't have
[x]Seen someone shoplift
[x]Yelled at your pet
[ ]Gotten seasick
[x]Had a stalker
[ ]Played a prank on someone that had them really scared
[x]Been embarrassed by your family
[x] Felt bad about eating meat
[x]Saved a life
[x]Ate just because you were bored
[x]Looked at something everyone thought was ugly and said "aww!"
[x]Tried to teach your dog "sick em"
[x]Screamed in a library
[ ]Made out with a stranger
[x]Wished a part of you was different
[x]Asked a guy/girl to dance
[x]Laughed so hard you cried
[x]Went up to a complete stranger and started talking
[x]Been sunburned
[x]Kicked a guy in the nuts
[x]Woke someone up by screaming in their ear
[x]Received an anonymous love letter
[x]Had to wear something you hated
[x]Had to pretend to like a present you hated
[x]Had a really bad haircut
[x]Saw your ex and wanted to kick his//her ass momentarily only
[x]Cursed in front of your parents
[x]Been out of your country
[x]Been honked at by some guy/girl when you were walking down the sidewalk
[x]Won at pool
[ ]Went on a diet
[ ]Been lost out to sea
[x]Been told an extremely stupid line
[x]Played truth-or-dare
[x]Been dared to make out w/ someone of the same sex
[x]Cut class
[ ]Cheated on your boy/girl friend
[x]Been pulled over by a cop
[x]Been attacked by seagulls
[x]Been searched at an airport
[x]Gotten lost at the beach/boardwalk
[x]Thrown a shoe at someone
[x]Sung in the shower
[x]Done something really stupid that you still laugh about
[x]Been walked in on when you were dressing
[ ]Ran out of a movie theater cause you were too scared of the movie
[ ]Been kicked out of a mall
[x]Been mean to someone then instantly wanted to take it back
[x]Got gum stuck in your hair
[x]Spilled your drink on someone on purpose
[x]Been given a detention on the worst day that you could get one
[x]Wanted plastic surgery
[ ]Stood someone up
[ ]Done something stupid when you were drunk
[ ]Fell off your roof
[x]Pretended you were scared so you could cuddle up to someone
[x]Been in a car crash
[x]Had a deer jump in front of your car
[x] Threatened someone with a watergun
your talents
Can you...
[x]Unwrap a starbust with your tongue
[x]Sing
[x]Open your eyes underwater
[x]Eat whatever you want and not have to worry
[ ]Iceskate
[ ]Sing in front of a crowd
[x]Whistle
[x]Be a bitch sometimes
[x] Walk in really high heels
[x]Eat super spicy foods
[x]Play an instrument
[x]Block out what someone is saying if you don't want to hear it
[x]Act like you like somebody you hate
[x]Attract a lot of boys/girls
[ ]Skateboard
[ ]Sleep with lights on
[ ]Touch your nose with your tounge
[x]Fall asleep in a car
[ ]Do the 1,2 step
[x]Blow your nose
[x]Do the cottoneyed joe
[x]Tell when a guy is gay
[x] Play DDR
[ ]Surf
[x]Make yourself cry
[x]Taste the difference between coke and pepsi
.Remy. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2005|02:37 pm] |
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well the nurses were absolutely no help at all, and i'm still nauseous. not good, i have to eat tonight, i'll feel bad if i don't. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2005|08:11 am] |
i'm getting really fed up with my mind/body. they wouldn't let me sleep last night, at all. i really wanted to sleep, alot, but no....instead i got a really bad headache all night, my heart pounding all night for no apparent reason, really bad nausea and on top of all that, i would randomly start to shake every so often. awesome. so, i'm still not tired, i still feel shakey, and the thing that sucks the most is that i'm really hungry, but really nauseous at the same time, and just looking at the food in the cafeteria this morning made me feel like i was about to throw up right there. so i grabbed the thing that revolted me the least, a mini box of corn flakes, which isin't enough to eat for breakfast at all, and i've been trying to convince my body to eat it for the past 15 minutes...but every time i think about it i feel like i'm going to throw up everything that's inside my body...which is nothing, because last time i ate was at like 630 last night, and i'm having empty tummy burps, which really suck and hurt a little bit.
and plus the nurses are nowhere to be found. of course.
i really just need to feel better fast, i'm taking akeem out to dinner tonight and i want to feel ok and be happy because this is the first time i'll get to really spend some quality time with him in forever, and i'm taking him to one of his fave restaurants, where my brother works, Alma de Cuba, and my brother fixed everything up for us tonight which was really awesome of him...he's most likely going to not let me pay, because that's how he is, so i'll just have to leave him like a 20$ tip :)
homeroom now, i suppose. man, i just want to curl up in a corner and i don't even know what. grrrrr
.Remy. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2005|01:22 pm] |
this is what i'm doing to my hair right after graduation- get excited.
.Remy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2005|12:39 pm] |
Poison by Groove Coverage....BEST SONG EVER (not really but i super like it alot)
You're cruel device
Your blood like ice
One look could kill
My pain your thrill
I wanna love you but I better not touch
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains
Your mouth so hot
Your web I'm caught
Your skin so wet
Black lace on sweat
I hear you calling and it's needles and pins
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't wanna touch you but you're under my skin
I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running trough my veins
You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains
Running deep inside my veins
Poison burning deep inside my veins
One look, could kill
My pain, your thrill
I wanna love you but I better not touch
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running trough my veins
You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains
Poison |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2005|08:11 am] |
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so, i talked to terry cesarine last night for awhile, which was cool since i hadn't talked to him since 10th grade- i was under the impression he despised me. he was an ass back then. but he seems pretty cool now, which is good. oh, i have homeroom now.....eh |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 21st, 2005|03:05 pm] |
i wish i could apologize to everyone that i was really horrible to, because i've been absolutely horrendous to some people in my life. not recently, but in the past...yeah, there are just a few people that i treated so badly, intentionally and unintentionally...it's really not cool. i called one of them today, to apologize for everything i did, though all of it was unintentional. he started to curse me out and insult me as usual, but i cut him off and just said that i wanted to say i was truely sorry for all the shit i said and did to him, and all the stuff put him through, because it was all ridiculous. he said "ok, that's cool", which was encouraging because the past few times i've talked to him it's only been isults from him. i didn't want to take my chances though so i just said bye, but now i wish i could call him back and tell him that i wasn't being self-piteous or self righteous, and i wasn't apologizing for my own benefit or to make myself feel better...but i don't want to push my luck. the things he said to me were worse than the insults jason threw at me when that whole thing happened, and those left me completely hollow and dead for 6 months. the insults from mike i deserved....
ok, i need to stop ranting. i just wish i could find everyone i've ever been horrible to and apologize to them....well, except for one or 2 that truely deserved it. the rest definetly did not, though.
.Remy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2005|08:15 am] |
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so everyone's all happy and telling eachother where they got in....and i'm just sitting there like "yeah, cool". i'm having a really horrible day, this sucks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 1st, 2005|12:28 am] |
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now i work at bangbang. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2005|12:37 am] |
it looks much prettier on me, i promise
 |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|12:41 pm] |
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ps. got my prom dress b/c i saw one that i loved and had to get it. it's long and elegant, and very old hollywood. it's not something i think anyone would expect me to wear....but it's gorgeous :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|12:30 am] |
emma yelled at me to update but i really don't have anything i feel like writing. i mean, stuff is going on in my life but nothing i really feel like writing down. i'm growing out of the writing in the journal thing. not growing out of it like it's a kids thing, because writing in journals is definetly for alot of people, but just growing out of that stage of my life.
i'm excited because things are slowly starting to shift and i think it's great. i can't wait to graduate.
in other news, i have an interview at bangbang tomorrow and i would really like to work there, mostly because if i don't have anything to wear they let you go and pick out stuff to wear from the store, b/c you're supposed to dress super sexy/slutty, which i think is just really fun. blah blah blah yes i know you're all thinking i have no clas etc. but to me clothes are fun and nothing should be off limits, and yeah, most of all we should have a good time. seeing guys do a double take as they walk by because i'm wearing something sexy empowers me, especially when i'm with rob- "hah, yeah, you want this right now and you'll never have it because it's his"....anyway, i'm done with my rant, i just love wearing crazy stuff. i'm not big on the whole clothes stigma in america about how you dres is your personality etc. i'm sure it's like that for some people which is cool but not really for me. clearly i'm not a slut since i'm pretty much attached to rob by the hip.
ummm...making the outfits for akeems show. fun fun.
and that's about all i feel like writing.
i'm sure i dissapointed you emma, sorry! i tried!
.Remy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2005|02:34 pm] |
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so i just said something really mean to rob that made it seem like i wasn't going to move in with him because i'm really pissed off about something, but it doesn't have anything to do with him, and now i feel horrible and i'm going to go jump in front of a train. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2005|10:30 pm] |
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my dad thinks he lost the tickets. i might kill him. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2005|11:29 am] |
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my dad got my tickets to NIN...i'm super happy now :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2005|10:52 pm] |
so nine inch nails is coming to town in may, but tickets go on sale tomorrow so of course i can't fucking go b/c i have no ##....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKK....i'm so angry.
garbage is coming to town too and of course no # so i couldn't get then right away and of course they sold out right away...so will NIN...yeah i fuckin hate that,2 of my fave bands that i've always wanted to see i can't.
watch, my luck they'll break up before i even get to see them, that's what happened with the Smashing Pumpkins...i chested the system because i got to see korn over the summer, and of course then the guitarist left.....
arrrgh |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 10th, 2005|11:46 pm] |
i'm thinking about a short but elegant dress for my prom....same basic design with just a few alterations.
thoughts?
of course i probobly won't get many thoughts since no one really reads this anymore hehe...i don't blame you.
.Remy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2005|12:19 am] |
my hands are shaking...in a dark room, cutting fabric furitively will do that to you. my eyes water and droop, but my mind is wide awake. wasn't i sleeping a minute ago? the fabric is slippery, the lines aren't even, but it's better that way, the costume is ragged, wild. my legs are shaking too, i am worrying about how i will get this done in time. it would be easier if i knew how many costumes i should be making. then i could at least pin each skirt. but the coach hasn't told me. i will be spending all of tomorrow evening and night making these, because she has failed to answermy questions. i don't like working last minute, yet i always end up doing it. cutting on a glass table is loud, echoing, but it is the only surface i have. why am i awake? i should be sleeping. i can't. i have a pile on long strips of fabric about 6 inches high- alot of strips. the scissors keep catching on the fabric...that's what i get for not taking my supplies with me when i leave my moms. my scissor shapener is in my trunk, but that is at least a 50 second walk from here, and i'm not particularly interested in being cold. i could put on a jacket, but i am too lazy. i have that problem. i suppose one of these days i'll get stuck outside with no jacket and freeze to death. i'll take the risk. the scissors will just have to catch, it adds to the jaggedness of the edges, but it makes the joint at the bottom of my thumb hurt. my back is also aching from bending over, i will most likely get osteoperosis when i get older, i have terrible posture. that's what i get for swimming 5 hours a day for 13 years. even 3 years of crew could not help that, i was constanly being told to sit up. i will miss crew. one day i'll buy my own single, wake up at 5 am, and go out by myself. it will be peaceful. i realize i enjoy the sport more than the team, but then again i was always the loner. i will name my boat "la coeur noire", which means the black heart, but you will not be able to see it...the writing will be black, as well as the boat. this is against river regulations, i am sure, but that is too bad. i will row past baldwin crews of the future, seeing the sleep in their eyes, the annoyance at being up so early. i will remember. i will not miss the team, because i never felt like i was part of it, but i will miss the feeling of 8 people getting that one stroke just right, timed to perfection, the light pound of 8 oars driving and catching together. the feeling is exhilerating, especially in a race. everyone should feel something like that. i have managed to go off on a complete tangent, as i usually do. this is how my thoughts work. it tends to confuse people. i go from A to Q in about 5 seconds, with Z somehow in the middle. i am listening to songs that make me sad. not quite sad...wistful. that sounds right. they make me think of standing in front of a stained glass window, light shining through, turning my skin shades. i can see the dust particles in the air, and the hall smells faintly of apple cider, which is in a dispenser in front of me. it also smells of age...stone. of education on things few people will accept or understand. of my childhood, of the only reason i'm not in a coma on life support. that sounds so dramatic, but it's just part of my past, i don't even remember, i was a baby. you would not know what i am talkig about unless you went to the school with me, unless you were in the auditorium with the rainbow horizon of stained glass window, with the boy walking in a hand. unless you were spencer, chenee, shayna, yui, kay(but they are in japan), katie, who else? vincent. eliot. they do not matter as much. they came later. old books, also, in the air, for they are in the actual auditorium, where we would preform shakespeare and play violion, sing selections from the mikado, demonstrate how smart children can be if you take advantage of how capable they are of learning as a child. i would have done well on my ancient greek exam if i had learned ancient greek when i was little, i know that. you have no idea what i'm talking about, but that's really ok. i don't mind. my legs are shaking, but i don't think they are cold. maybe they are. why am i up and so alert? i already adressed that question, i still have no answer. the songs also remind me of 10th grade. i can't cut fabric, sew or listen to nine inch nails without thinking of it, if only briefly. i do not want to remember that year of my life, but i probobly will never forget. i wish i could pick specific things to block out in my life, but it doesn't work that way. some of the events i have managed to forget, but not the ones i want to the most. i cannot forget the hysterical girl's voice, i cannot forget talking online all night, i cannot forget how confused i was, how unhappy, how empty. i want to. i have too many scars on my soul, i don't appreciate it. at least i am happy now. i still am shaky, but at least underneath i know what i want, and i know what i need. i know what is right, and i know what i must do in order to be right. no one believes me, it tends to be frustrating. i get aggravated too easily. i remember being told that the cottage was just going to be an art studio where she and i could go sometimes and and have and paint. all of a sudden i was living there. i had no trees i could climb in the back yard, and i had no door on my room. i still had these things, and a rock garden, and my first stained glass window that hung in front of the regular window on weekends. and then i didn't have it anymore. i miss my tree most of all. i made a swing, once, out of rope and cloth, and i was so proud. i got on it for the first time and it fell apart after then first swing. it hurt, because i had made it high off the ground. i was so dissapointed. that reminds me to my life from 7th to 11th grade. build up and then dissapointment. i am so pessimistic, it's a shame. maybe if i had been more optimistic, things would have turned out better then. probobly not, but that's the pessimist talking. if you have read this far, i am very surprised. you just read a snippet from the inside of my mind, my train of thoughts, and how they go, work. oh, and i never got past sekeninsha, but you don't know what that is. another thing of the past. i wanted to finish it so badly, but i could never remember to clean the coat room every day, so all my marks got erased. i'm sure i just compltely threw you off, sorry about that. i wouldn't have achieved sensei anyway, only one person did, and they were 13. i was only 8 when i left. i will go and cut my last 4 yards of fabric into one inch strips, then go to sleep. i wish my hands would stop shaking.
i am ready
i am ready
i am ready
...i am fine
and then cut to dave matthews.
"but i got all the time for you, love..."
and i do.
.Remy. |
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ange_de_nuit's journal
